Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

they see me scrollin

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner