Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips