“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
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[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
water it, i dare you
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long