@VerifiedBakchod

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

- @VerifiedBakchod

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@PMTheron1

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

@Sheila_Mac420

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.

@GayAtHomeDad

If your partner/spouse tells you they’re not reading everything you tweet:

A) they’re lying
B) hi honey!

@motrboatr

Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.

@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

@blade_funner

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”