“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
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I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust