not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Mission: Impossible
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.