an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
You Might Also Like
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life