Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

ibopfufen

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…