Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

I can’t stop watching this.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.