*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they donât get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widowâs veil
I want to be rich enough where Iâm not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
ubereats: it will cost ÂŁ3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen đ±
Dads will be like âI donât cryâ but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: I donât like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
woman in car on news: âIâve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrolâ hm okay
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Parents, when you go to the bathroom donât forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
God: Itâs time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a âWash Your Handsâ song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.