@facciabella

An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.

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@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

@CYComedy

My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

@_CremDelaEm

He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left.

Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.

@E_lok44

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

@TheFunnyWorId

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

@pmarca

Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make: