An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.

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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?


Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior


My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.


[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…


He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left.

Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.


If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.


Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.


Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make: