It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
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I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”