An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend