An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?