Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

True.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.