Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

12653.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.