Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

? 💀

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.