An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Buck naked
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.