An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
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Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Found my door mat
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.