An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
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Should I call tech support or pray or what
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
what the hell girl, sure
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”