An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
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the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
A double negative is a big no-no.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…