Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

TODAY

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?