Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

calling in to work dehydrated

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm