Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

Spotted in the wild

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

This might be the funniest tweet ever

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.