@MoneypennyNaked: Me to my daughters: Someday this will all be yours. *motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

@DumbConfessions: *flips coin* "Head or tail?" Her: That's not how this works!

@TheRolo: Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* "That's what she said"

@kentgrossarth: The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

@: my coworker started crying bc her bf broke up w her thru text and my manger said “thats why we stay off our phones at work”