@Ygrene

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

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@HomeWithPeanut

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

@burntmybagel

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

@dorkwing_duck

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?

– me as a marriage counselor

@SatansTongue

*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
“How coach”
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

@Darlainky

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

@SoLongStephen

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

@Darlainky

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.