[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Butt weight. There’s more!
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
This guy gets it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Plumber: I think I found the problem