Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

@super_morgasm

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

@rolldiggity

1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.

@VerbsRProudest

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

@clusterctraits

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@TheLadBible

But no warning about leopards…?

@lyric_intent

[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?