[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it's cuz you got them bone hands

@kamtweeting: Give me a few strong men, and I'll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I'll conquer the world.

56

@HelmdawgE: My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, "how did the job interview go?" in front of everyone.

560

@patnspankme: People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I'm having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

1

@ceejoyner: Why don't you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

120

@daemonic3: [working in garage] "Hand me a screwdriver, son" A flat one? "No" [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

132

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