[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
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If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.