Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.