Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Pandas 🐼🖤

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮