an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
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If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
iPhone X
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker