An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
bro what is going on at twitter
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Never forget.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
LA today:
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.