An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.