An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
titanic
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”