An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.