An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.