Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

on da cob, we all corn

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.