An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
why does this building look like a guilty dog
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I love this❤️😁👍
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.