Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.