An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.