Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.