An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife