@Turnip2020

An eggplant just recognized me from Twitter & asked for my autograph. I gave him one, but then suddenly his father showed up, grabbed him by the stem, and told him to NEVER associate with vegetables like me.

Bigotry is still alive and well. I will do my best to root it out.

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@abbycohenwl

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

@euanDroberts

And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

@LADaddy

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

@Quartzjixler

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

@difficultpatty

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.