*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
You Might Also Like
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
The cashier just checked me out.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.