An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me when I’m ovulating
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie