Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

the three branches of government

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.