An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.