An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today