Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

ㅤ

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton