An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
You Might Also Like
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
And now we wait
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows