An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.