An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Venn
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second