Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This anagram machine is out of order.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

How does someone manage that 🤨

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.