Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???