Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

My dream car is a taco truck.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.