An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
You Might Also Like
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I need better friends
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
all bases covered
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.