An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
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opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
wtf
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.