an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.