an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Thoughts
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Best spot.. 😅
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?