an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
You Might Also Like
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
A huge thanks to the person that did this
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.