An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.