Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

This is a genius move

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

gentlemen, hear me out