An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.