An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
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I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”