Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff