Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

Pretty much! 😂👀

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am