An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger