Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.