An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.