An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
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Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably