An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
![]()
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.