An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
You Might Also Like
m’lady
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
