Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.