Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Canadian owl: Eh?

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.