An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
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ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all