Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*