An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster