An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
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They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I’m giving up for Lent.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.